Oh No She Di'unt!

Raya likes it when I'm a dork...

Special and Mine

Everything about motherhood has the potential to be a sensitive subject to someone. The ease or difficulty of becoming pregnant; the things we do while we're pregnant; the way we decide (or don't decide) to give birth; how we nurture and raise our child... everyone has their ideals and sometimes they don't work out. And as much as you want to be okay with it, you can't help but feel that sting when your sensitive subject comes up.

My sensitive subject is my child birth experience. Having had a scheduled C-section, I feel the need to tell everyone that I had no choice. That I did everything I could to avoid it. That Raya was stubborn and chose the way she we wanted to be born. While all of that is true, what I don't say is that every time I talk about it, I feel like I'm sharing my first failure as a mother. Not only did I not get to deliver my daughter the way nature intended, I didn't get to experience any part of it! No water breaking. No major contractions. No hours spent waiting in anticipation. No "OH MY GOD, THIS IS IT!" moment. My birth story began with a voicemail left on my cell phone while I was shopping for new kitchen appliances at Sears: Hi Hailey, your baby's birth date has been scheduled for next Tuesday at 4:00pm. Please arrive by 2:00.

I mourned the loss of a labor experience as if the experience were a close friend. I was devastated. I kept replaying in my mind the video we watched in child birth class. The baby came out and was immediately placed on Mommy, skin to skin, all bloody and gooey and beautiful. I cried when I saw that video. It broke my heart to be told I wouldn't get to experience it. My Mom helped me more than she knows when she said, "There is so much that goes into creating a life and raising a child, how they come into this world is such a small part of it." I forced that to be the way I viewed my situation. It's not my ideal way, but it's how Raya is coming into this world. To not appreciate it would be unfair to her. So I did my best to embrace it. At 4:00pm on a Tuesday, I laid on the operating table, arms spread out on either side and numb from the chest down. Michael holding my hand on one end, my anesthesiologist taking pictures for us and distracting me with light hearted conversation on the other. Finally my doctor announced, "Here's your baby!" And the nurse, on her way to the warming table, paused to display my beautiful, slimy, gray-toned, baby girl. The most perfect moment in my life. I cried just as happily as the woman in the video.

Ready to meet my daughter

This next picture may take some by surprise (so scroll quickly if you don't want to see). It shows my baby's special entry into this world... butt first :)

We all have our things we're sensitive about. I will always feel some aimless resentment for being "robbed" of labor and delivery, even while I protect and defend the experience I had. It's taken me awhile, but I now know that there is no right way or wrong way. There is only this way and that way. We don't always get to experience our ideals... but if we allow it, the experience we have can be just as special.

Welcome to your family baby Ray :)