My sensitive subject is my child birth experience. Having had a scheduled C-section, I feel the need to tell everyone that I had no choice. That I did everything I could to avoid it. That Raya was stubborn and chose the way she we wanted to be born. While all of that is true, what I don't say is that every time I talk about it, I feel like I'm sharing my first failure as a mother. Not only did I not get to deliver my daughter the way nature intended, I didn't get to experience any part of it! No water breaking. No major contractions. No hours spent waiting in anticipation. No "OH MY GOD, THIS IS IT!" moment. My birth story began with a voicemail left on my cell phone while I was shopping for new kitchen appliances at Sears: Hi Hailey, your baby's birth date has been scheduled for next Tuesday at 4:00pm. Please arrive by 2:00.
I mourned the loss of a labor experience as if the experience were a close friend. I was devastated. I kept replaying in my mind the video we watched in child birth class. The baby came out and was immediately placed on Mommy, skin to skin, all bloody and gooey and beautiful. I cried when I saw that video. It broke my heart to be told I wouldn't get to experience it. My Mom helped me more than she knows when she said, "There is so much that goes into creating a life and raising a child, how they come into this world is such a small part of it." I forced that to be the way I viewed my situation. It's not my ideal way, but it's how Raya is coming into this world. To not appreciate it would be unfair to her. So I did my best to embrace it. At 4:00pm on a Tuesday, I laid on the operating table, arms spread out on either side and numb from the chest down. Michael holding my hand on one end, my anesthesiologist taking pictures for us and distracting me with light hearted conversation on the other. Finally my doctor announced, "Here's your baby!" And the nurse, on her way to the warming table, paused to display my beautiful, slimy, gray-toned, baby girl. The most perfect moment in my life. I cried just as happily as the woman in the video.
Ready to meet my daughter
This next picture may take some by surprise (so scroll quickly if you don't want to see). It shows my baby's special entry into this world... butt first :)
We all have our things we're sensitive about. I will always feel some aimless resentment for being "robbed" of labor and delivery, even while I protect and defend the experience I had. It's taken me awhile, but I now know that there is no right way or wrong way. There is only this way and that way. We don't always get to experience our ideals... but if we allow it, the experience we have can be just as special.
Welcome to your family baby Ray :)
9 comments:
Well said, Hailey. I think it's so important that we come to terms with whatever happens during our birthing experience, because as short as the moment may be, it is still such an important event and we do need to deal with any feelings we have about it. I know I've had a difficult time letting go of all the bad feelings I had about mine.
I completely agree with you, too, about no "right way" or "wrong way". There's a "right way" for each person, which is sometimes "the crazy way" for another. And sometimes, we don't even get to choose our own way... The good news is you will probably get another chance to experience all of the things you didn't with Raya's birth. That's what I'm hoping for right now.
In the end, you're an amazing mommy and you have an incredible little girl. What's most important is that she's here, not HOW she got here! :-) LOVE YOU TOO!!!
Great blog...I read it several times I liked it so much. The longer I'm a mom, the more I'm able to appreciate the individuality of each child and each mom. We're all different and that's what makes us great. As you know, my sore spot was feeding but I'm not bitter about that anymore because...well, I'm just over it. I love my Niecie and her Nerdy ma!
I am so proud of you Hailey, for putting into words your feelings about the birth eperience that was decided by someone else. It was decided for your well being and Raya's. You put your trust into your doctor's hands and I think she chose the right birth method for you and Raya. I know you felt cheated, but you have a healthy girl and you and Ray were treated with such nurturing gentle care during the whole experience. It's all good :):):)
experience *.)
Well said H, as it is well known I too felt cheated in my experience of birth, first for not going full term and giving my guy the extra time in the womb and second for having to have another c-section because my body didn't go into labor ( and third if we wanted to have another baby it would be a c-section no matter what, the doctors fear vbac is too risky)... I think that is one of the hard parts about being a parent, though I remember the "pain" I was in for my "failing" (failing being a parent before I was really given a chance) Luke will never remember being in the hospital for 8 weeks, or the oxygen that we toted around for another 8 weeks, he will only remember our love and really that is ALL that matters. Heck I am a c-section baby too I can't remember anything about the day I was born, and you also know what they say about c-section babies... they have perfectly round heads :)
AWWWWW, Merry. I love you.
Thanks everyone. Merry, you're comment brought tears to my eyes :) I am so grateful I had you to relate with. Your attitude regarding your situation is what really helped me come to terms with mine. And even though my ribs denied Raya the perfect round head at birth, her little bum was nice and round! Still is :)
Wow, that was really well written! I liked what you had to say. So, after your next kid, you'll get to say you experienced the birth process both ways!
For some reason I didn't even know you had a C-section. How did I miss that? So you see if I can indeed love Raya, and think you're the greatest mom, and NOT know HOW she came into this world, it really must not matter :o)
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